Sunday, January 09, 2005

New Year's Resolutions

  1. I resolve to use the following words more often:
    1. mollycoddle
    2. equanimity
    3. prestidigitation
    4. unctuous
    5. sycophantic
  2. ...and the following words less often:
    1. schadenfreude
    2. inasmuch
    3. metrosexual
    4. parlay
    5. sticktoitiveness
  3. No, I can't think of a time when I've actually used "sticktoitiveness" in a sentence. Nonetheless, it's best to be on the safe side. You never know when some sycophantic mollycoddle is going to bust out an unctuous feat of prestidigitation and threaten your equanimity.
  4. I resolve to treat my savings account like a high-maintenance girlfriend who pouts when you don't pay the extra $5 for valet at the Grove, and my checking account like a scary piece of moldy food that you could get gangrene just from touching.
  5. I resolve that 24 is still pretty much the best show ever. I mean, c'mon. In the first hour, they derailed a train and blew up a limo with a fucking rocket launcher. By the end of the season, Fox just might come close to fully atoning for The Swan.
  6. I resolve to keep going until I have 10 things on this list.
  7. Even if that means that most of them will be meaningless filler.
  8. I resolve to think of this "major storm event" as what it would be in Boston: a pretty average week in mid-April.
  9. I resolve to avoid saying "Really?" in response to statements I have no legitimate reason to question (i.e., "There was a huge line at Starbucks this morning.")
  10. I resolve to sleep more, because sleeping means consuming less oxygen, and that's good for the environment, and apparently chicks dig the environment. Or at least they did in 1991.
Happy belated new year, all. May you have the sticktoitiveness to keep all your resolutions.

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