New decree

I propose the following punishment for people who leave cell phones unattended on their desk, at full volume, and then get all kinds of people to call them while they're away.

1. Consume one jar of vegemite. May not drink or eat anything else until the jar is empty. Any vomit produced must be swallowed.

2. Watch 50 episodes of Charmed with no fast-forwarding or bathroom breaks. Snide remarks about acting or storylines must be kept to oneself. Last sentence of item #1 applies as well.

3. For one month straight, drive from LAX to Pasadena every day at 4:00 P.M, taking only freeways and staying in the far-right line. No radio, phone calls, or air conditioning allowed.

4. Read Paradise Lost cover-to-cover in one sitting, followed by The Odyssey. 20-page single-spaced paper comparing the depiction of the underworld in each work is due the next day.

5. One more jar of vegemite.

6. Cold-call 300 senior citizens throughout Iowa and South Dakota to gauge their support for stem-cell research. Explain the difference between existing cell lines and new lines.

7. Swim naked in Boston Harbor for 3 hours a day for one month.

8. Listen to every spoken-word album ever produced.

9. Eat every meal for the rest of your life with a group of people who go "ahhhhh" every time they take a sip of anything.

10. Hear your own annoying ringtone every time you turn on any radio, TV, automobile, dishwasher, or electric toothbrush.

11. Four words: Sixty-four ounce Vegemite smoothie.