Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Access, Agent Spender

For the record, I hate Blogger right now. I just wrote the most hilariously witty 3 paragraphs ever conceived of by man, concluding with a simple yet infallible recipe for cold fusion, but I tried to fix the formatting and the page disappeared. So now I have to start from the beginning. No guarantees on the cold fusion stuff coming back... that kind of lightning doesn't strike twice, especially inside the brain of someone who took exactly zero college-level chemistry courses.

Anyway. I took an all-day course in Microsoft Access today, and it was so boring that I fantasized about less boring activities such as ironing, sorting socks, and reading up on the mayoral candidates. (Maybe not the last one.) I don't want to say that it was cruel to make us sit in front of that program for six to seven hours, but I actually saw the instructor consulting with Alberto Gonzales before the class started. (The humor gets even worse from here on, I'm sorry to say.)

But I had to entertain myself one way or another, so I used the Mail Merge exercise to whip up a quick Mad Libs. You know, mail merges are where you export a set of names, addresses, etc. into a bunch of form letters using a template and--oh, hell, you've all temped, you all know what they are. This was pretty much the only opportunity all day to exercise any creative freedom, so I did what I could.

[First Name] [Last Name]
[City], [State] [Zip]

Dear [First Name],

Happy Birthday. Good luck and everything. But I wonder what the hell Ma and Pa [Last Name] were thinking when they named you [First Name]. I guess that's just how those crazy folks do things over there in [City]. By the way, what the hell kind of zip code is [Zip]? Is that even in the state respresented by the postal abbreviation "[State]"? I swear, [First Name], I just don't get you.



And that's the level of humor I had to resort to in order to maintain my sanity. (The jury's still out on whether I was successful in that regard.)

But I can sure query the shit out of a database now!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

For extra credit you could have used the external data feature to link to the Ralphs database, do a left outer join using the [PhoneNumber] field and add:

ps: You should really eat that [Product] right away. It's been sitting in your fridge since [DateOfPurchase]!